25 July 2007

i'm back, but boring


it's been too long yet there's no compelling explanation why. recent events have disturbed my emotional guts even as my uber-disciplined internal minder moves to quash any hint of emotional uprising.

only the totally unexpected can bring forth tears, so two mid-90s japanese films about young gay love can't get me sappy no more, the death of close friends' family elicit only obligatorily politese and i'm doing a great job of remaining emotionally disengaged from my mankub of 5 weeks. i'm typically a well-prepared guy, so when the emotions hit it's a nice surprise. some nicer than others, of course. getting choked up over korean reunification stories is more fun than the panic that comes from realizing you're too disconnected to be in a relationship.

appreciating each day is a life-long struggle, but being unwilling to minimize distractions makes me feel lazy. it's embarrassing to admit that i value comfort more than growth. on rare occasions i have conversations with thoughtful and genuinely interested people who take me by the hand and give me glimpses of what i avoid. instead of being grateful for the reminder, a strong surge of irritation floods over me... no doubt it's my minder at work, furiously distracting me from what i intellectually know is a better place. it's phenomenal how much energy is expended in order to avoid a more meaningful life.

the reasons why are obvious. dr. phil and the new age los angeles cult ky forced me to join taught me that humans are a predictable lot. all our dysfunction can be attributed to a paltry coupla reasons. we: 1) we seek attention (good and bad) as a proxy for self-confidence, and/or: 2) we lack emotional intimacy thanks to trust issues. feel free to tell me about more! feeling sorry for yourself for something that makes you a cliché of the human condition is truly tragic. maybe i could have more original crises if i read more, played less sim city and was a little more diligent with my korean homework.

during a skype with mommy this morning she told me i sounded unhappy. immediately after, mankub told me he "felt nothing" after an admittedly half-hearted make-out session. baby jesus point taken! the status quo didn't feel so comfortable today. feeling yucky is better than not feeling at all but my minder doesn't give up so easily. he's already rolling out a jam-packed agenda of delicious and fun distractions. i can't wait!

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