dear sassy

who introduced me to at least three illegal substances, who taught me how to steal, and who only laughed (but then quickly forgot) when she noticed her 15-year-old brother was wearing leopard-print/military green thong underwear.

i love you, the song.

it's a song!

awww look what the king made for me!

just kidding. but part of you believed it. actually, it's a birthday song from the 4.5-yr-old baby einstein, sent back during the birthday days. she's clearly a genius. and it's special because it's perhaps the first time the "i love you" isn't followed by "i want a snack" or "buy me a puppy." no, buy ME a puppy!

puppytime

he's older than me but hair covers wrinkles.

here's me awkward with my dog, big red.

actually, no. i'm at the hongdae puppy café with the king. but mark marsha's words, come january travels back from jesusland, it's puppy time!

i'm preparing the newspaper for patricia the rescue shitzoo as we speak!

thanks, shilla.

thanks to language barriers, the king and i prefer to communicate via espresso art.

a birthday is a great excuse to do the shilla lunch buffet, a 60,000-won ($48) date with painful gluttony. ma tum feels permanently stretched. happy birthday queen abby! xo

new book: portraits of half-closeted, half-korean, mexican pretenders

pardon the indulgence, but decent pix are getting harder to come by.

proving my point, this one by mike tauber is from 2006 or so. it was taken as part of a goofy picture book of people who were mixed race based on 2000 u.s. census-approved racial categories (that's right, you white half-latinos or chinee-bangladeshis don't count!). much like coffee table pictorials of albino africans or green-eyed chinee, there's something pretty 1990 about it... or maybe i've just got an especially acute case of hybrid malaise. who buys this book, anyway?

the book (available for preorder on amazon.com), came to my attention while on the impromptu jesusland tour last week. pops' wife's daughter, who is also featured, came on by and gave me the head's up.

sure they didn't get my permission to publish the pic, but i don't care. besides being reacquainted with my old boobs and a time and place when i could wear holed jeans in public (aka not seoul), it's funny to see how quickly i've become a super flamer. clearly, this photo was in the waning days of my mexican identity dynasty.

impromptu jesusland!

is impromptu jesusland better than no jesusland at all?

apparently i'm at that age when one's parents have catastrophic illness since i'm flying out in a few hours to help pops convalesce after an aneurysm/stroke. i don't know the difference yet. early signs suggest he had the good kind of good kind of stroke, which is... good. regardless of our ability/willingness to deal, perhaps nothing else ushers in middle age more than beginning the parent care biznass. that's why we're here, right? those of you in the priors, celebrate! those of you in the know (ms. californication), well... i dunno what to say.

the king is safe

college dorm?

speaking of the king, over the weekend i accompanied the fam to where manpup will be stationed for the better part of two years (who is this strange old man who keeps stalking our son?).

after 2 months and a day a carefully stage managed reunion was frustrating. phone and visiting privileges will start soon, which means a bittersweet end to the almost daily letter exchange, that while forced upon us, was special. maybe i should don a red and white checkered hankochief, flex a gun and help the war effort?

"little amurrika" was complete with lots of white and black people who were strangely polite to we korean hosts in passing. military ain't all bad. we ate us some grubbinz at the most authentically u.s.a. establishment i seen since moses lake. mmmm porterhouse chop with bbq sauce + 2 sides: baked potato no cheese and collared greens.

in other news, i'm taking some emotional cues from don draper of mad men, season 1.

snapshot #20: flying over gyeonggi province

fun in flight

filming for an arirang tv travel show included flying a ULM over some fields in gyeonggi province and over the west sea in anmyeondo. despite a horrible producer, it was fun.

jumpin rope wit jesus

no rope talent

just back from another of my occidental jesusland tours. the ill-timed trip was made possible by a speaking invite, which was rescinded last minute in very poor form. anyhow, popular hops were made in chicago, seattle and tokyo with a special stop in los angeles to see mr. brian, half-chinee and jericho (the latter pleased jesus very much). actually, the lovely company during the california stop salvaged an otherwise ill-fated trip. oh well, not all homecomings are sweet.

hi!

"in mild" what? ... pain? shock? confusion that you try to solve this problem by posting it online? go to a vet asshole.

inspired per usual by mr. kristin st. hayden (it just sounds better) i decided to wear a maniacal smile at all times today. after all, life is good. but i was confronted by no less than three self-laughing crazies. so, like a dopamine-tapped flight attendant, four hours later daddy came home and needed juice.

it's a good story, but with my real daddy + wife visiting last week, i made a big ole batch of asian pear n' panapple sangria. well, the anticipated guests never made it to my apt. so it's been job 1 licking my red-stained tupperware tub clean. too bad the king isn't hear to reap the rewards of his invention: the booze-infused impaled strawberry.

tomorrow is 2 yrs in korea day!

i'm learning how to fly tomorrow as part of my big debut on a korean tv show. in the meantime, it's time to write about local trannies. xo

spring here

about damn time.

on monday the south korean army drafted the king. i'm a bit in the doldrums but keepin on here in ko-town.

man plan: long live the king!

we met via a website whose name is so horrible i can't bear to share it. no, it's not jdate.com. and no, i'm not anti-semitic. jesus christ, some artistic leeway please!

despite it's many entertaining twists, turns and slaps, i'm here to announce that manplan 2008 has ended. it's not only because it's '08 namesake has ended or because seung-ri from big bang has become too famous to return my phone calls, but because, lo and mofo beho-ld... i'm coupled.

let's harken back to that warm afternoon on sept. 17th when i wasn't fat but dressed like a convicted g.i. on work release (does that exist?). sure, i'm the mix-blooded descendant of north korean pig farmers and he's part of korea's last royal family. it's totally prince and the pauper. lucky for me, i hear that royals the world over these days rebel via shenanigans with the peasant class. thanks to his korean fluency, my washing machine got fixed a few days back.

oh, and don't worry. i'm well aware of how annoying blogging homos with boyfriends usually are. consequently, i'll do my best to seem single and will keep rapidly aging all the same.

nostalgia watch: day 1

my name may be pants, but she wears 'em.

although i recall fondly the days of whiskey and ritz, tonight is more of a wine and rice kind of affair.

and in my drank state, mattypants gets a lil nostalgic (it's my infrequent emotion of choice). glad i'm in koko but seeing this pic tonight reminded me of the domestic bliss/torture of life in suburban chitown. samchun misses genius nieces, springer spaniel calendars, not bathing for 48 hours+, and sassy sissys...

post-norko freedom fighter

i feel safer now, again (pic by the king).

there's a cool, brooklyn based-mag called theme that explores global asian culture. i had wanted to write for them but felt like my clips n tears books wasn't in order yet (that's "tears" as in rhymes with "pears" not "peers." damn homonyms.)

but jesus sensed my sloth so lo and behold i get an email from their editor who was in search of someone to interview and write an article about the very lovely choi hyun-mi (최현미). her family escaped from north korea in 2004, and three years later (at 17) she became the world boxing association's women's featherweight champion.

she's polite and confident, charming and socially agile. talking with her can feel like sparring. she's unafraid of eye contact and physically leans forward while filling silences with verbal jabs. during our interview, as i regained my wits she'd retreat with a playful compliment and a sweet smile.

anyhow, she's a perfect example of someone you want to succeed. it probably ain't kosher to post the article until it's published. but until theme's april/may issue comes out, here's a link to an nyt profile of her from last fall.

exodus pix #1: paris

underneath the arc de triomphe.

paris was stop #1 on my exodus from oriental jesusland holiday travel retinue. per brian's request, some (not awesome) snapshots.

clichés can be pretty, too.

my friend's friend ky invited me to a recording of her arts program on france culture (radio).

the view from the 2nd level of the tour d'eiffel (click here for larger).

the korean cultural center was awfully disappointing.

some marbles in the tulieres, near the louvre.

gayville (marais). 

i like paris.

the seollal ox

seollal is all about the deep fried vittles.

hey lovers,

by now you should know that koreans use two calendars, one that’s solar and the another that’s lunar. so while koko celebrated the near year on jan 1 with much of the rest of the world, today was day 1 for the year o' the ox.

samchon puts the final touches for the jaesa ceremony.

this special day is called seollal (설날), and it, along with chuseok (추석), are the two most important holidays. along with an estimated 28 million others, i made my way to the family's hometown in daegu to see the fam. per usual, lots of yummy food, and me straining to understand what's being said made for a pleasant time with family.

a quick pit stop on the way from daegu to seoul.

i couldn't land a train ticket back to seoul this afternoon so i bussed it. given snow forecasts and epic traffic, i was surprised the ride took only approx. 5 hours. anyhow, aloha. what follows are a few more blurry pix from the past 24 hours.

새해 복 많이 받으세요! (happy new year!)

g-cash still going strong after 93 years.

sumo skimming the top of the ddeokguk, the traditional seollal soup.

sumo and hyeong cooking up the jun.

(click here for last year's brief seollal post)

my secret slob friend

a better guest.

since i would be in occidental jesusland for 6 weeks i thought it a nice and mostly harmless gesture to offer my apartment to a fellow homo half-breed ko-am whose lease was expiring a month before his return to the usa. i did the same thing last year and my friend appreciated the respite from his parents' marriage inquiries. sure, he neglected my tree to death, but lots of people kill plants.

but on this go around, something felt amiss when i didn't receive correspondence from my temp-tenant. no "hi, i've arrived!" email, no "kaching! found your japanese porn stash while snooping on your computer, sicko!" memo. more remarkable was seeing the words "back in the usa" next to his name on msn messenger on jan. 2. nope, i never got a "thanks. i left your key (specify location)."

upon my return, what i did receive reminded me of a dirty person's home just prior to a modern pompeii. massive calamity... no time to clean... must escape! or, perhaps i should view what remained as prizes.

a top 10 list of my free goodies:

#10. a dvd player. shockingly useful!
#9. two big dirty blankets i get to dispose of!
#8. wall-to-wall tumble weed-esque dust bunnies!
#7. a box of heating pads for muscle pain!
#6. new grey bathroom tiles and pink grout. oh wait, that's just bacteria in bloom!
#5. butter!
#4. one pair of dirty superman underwear!
#3. a full load of wet laundry left marinating for 2 weeks!
#2. a piece of toilet paper stuck to toilet seat with a little brown sumthin sumthin!

and, my favorite:

#1. a loofa, because i can't wait to combine my dead skin cells with yours!

had i offered my place to a testicled dog, there may have been musty crotch spray marking strategic corners. but at least dogs don't use loofas or washing machines. furthermore, i find it hard to believe that even a golden retriever in mid-molt could have shed more pubic hair on my floor. i guess that's not fair. i don't think dogs have bonafide pubic hair.

in summary, i don't think it's right that people can be secret slobs. filth should not be a secret, cleanliness mustn't be a scam. much like my floor, his skin should be covered in snowfall-like layer of dust and he should smell like rotting laundry. if so, in this righteous world of my fantasies, i'd know better than to lend him my keys. 

mean spirited, you tsk? not so! if society's scorn made him too sad, he could then clean his home (and mine), and his body would cleanse in tandem! everybody wins in my world.

but until then, thanks for the loofa!! henceforth, i'm going to make a habit of leaving a used one every place i spend the night. thanks, kenny!

travel somewhere else

while lucky was sleeping, i hadn't totally divorced myself from blogging. for work purposes, in september i created a travel and culture blog called www.DiscoveringKorea.com, which just happens to be the name of my paltry radio show on kbs. it's funny what happens when your blog doesn't talk obsessively about homosexuality and pretend interns who die in your refrigerator...

like job offers!

some of y'all will no doubt recognize the new blog's precursor- yup, it was nice day's very own "field trip" posts. so if you liked the soko travel shiz, head o'er yonder cuz from here on out, my nice day is out with the travel content in pursuit of full-time campy ramblin'.

exodus from oriental jesusland

good lawd, indeed!

after a 6-week exodus from oriental jesusland (koko), daddy came back to seoul last friday and promptly fell ill. traveling is hard! 

but thanks to in-home convalescence care by a much-improved intern, i'm on the mend. in fact, he's making some sort of honey pear juice concoction as i type. lucky never made me honey pear juice!

most importantly, traveling always reminds me of jesus. and to that end, i think a look back at prior jesusland tributes is apopro:

teasing jesus: the summer 2008 tour (05/08)

jesusland redux (12/07)

jesus: i'm coming home. (08/2007)

it's indulgent, but a holiday overview feels necessary. 

this time around i used frequent flier miles to fly seoul to new york with a stopover in paris. it seemed like a good time to take advantage of 10 quid ryan air flights and spend a coupla weeks in northern europe... despite it being the coldest and darkest months of the year. did you know it gets dark after lunch in stockholm these days? kinda puts a damper on sightseeing. other quick stays in paris, london, berlin and amsterdam were nice (yup, still like asia better), but the old continent's highlight was a few days in essen/cologne with judy-on-meds, jonstoph. 

since i seem to treat relationships like most people approach unpaid internships, it's always nice to see sexy, high-functioning homo couples who've made the transition to domestic stability... and who wouldn't like to see the half-filipina lady of the house's kitchen chalk board to-do list accented with flower sketches? elsewhere in europe... despite the bad rap, parisians are lovely, londoners (with the exception of my wonderful couchsurfing host) make me glad i'm american, and berlin is my new favorite white city.

onward to american jesusland (aka Jesusland) where i had 8 more chances to experience heinous u.s. airlines during the worst season to navigate the airspaces between chicago, seattle, portland and new york. my favorite 24-hour slog involved seattle's epic snow storm, which cancelled chi to sea. after spending the whole day in dallas on standby, a late final flight pulled into sea-tac at 1 am. i talked about lahore with a sikh cabbie, got stuck in the snow for an hour and missed the 2:10 am (last) ferry to mama's house. spending the next 3 hours outside the terminal was cold, but the last 30 minutes included learning the obvious: of course a late 40s, iraq vet, aspiring truck driver and full-time practical lesbian would like mesh crosstrainers!

pear juice dude, mom and momspouse got to know each other during my 24-hour seattle delay. afterwards, seattle was lovely. new york was a bit stressful, turks and caicos was thank jesus warm. then back to koko the long way. the end.

holiday recap, part 2: no summer of love

a quintessential sf row in haight-ashbury.

for about 26 hours i felt very romantic.

at 6:36 am i was on my way to oakland international airport. 12 hours later i was deplaning at san francisco's airport. students of american geography will note that oak and sfo are an hour apart. so why the half-day commute fro and to the same place?

the night prior, my friend xtie and i drank, danced, the clubs had closed and then i had to pee. a friend's friend lived nearby. for 25 minutes, we chatted with the home owner and his friend. for 5 minutes i experienced an unusually forward (tho asian-ly untawdry) string of compliments and innuendoes by a short and cute japanese guy. i didn't remember his name, but he was fetching, unbetrothed, and he asked me to postpone my early am departure.

no doubt because of my chronic internet dating (please see: man plan), the purity and spontaneity of face-to-face happenstance flirting is exhilarating. so, in response, i called my airline but there were no seats on the next day's flights and a new ticket to seoul was running $2-5,000.

with same sex marriage in california starting in just 3 days, god intervened to remind the world he loves homos. thanks to Him, my flight to seattle was delayed due to a mechanical mishap. since i'd miss my connecting leg to tokyo, i spent 3 hours in seattle haggling with airline folks to get back to sf and my future husband. the upshot was a first class seat back to the bay and a re-route through hong kong the next afternoon. sure, i'd booked a hotel and meetings in tokyo, but what's a little time and money... for love?!

on a bus going to golden gate park. basically sums up my personal philosophy.

i was giddy with adrenaline and lack of sleep. but once reunited on the dance floor, he was insufficiently flattered that i'd manipulated my travel rigamarole for us. ya, there was dance floor make out, but ho-hum was an inadequate response. so, no, we aren't talking about moving in together and getting a puppy as a precursor to children (do we find a surrogate or adopt?). we won't have to navigate the tricky politics of korea v. japan. in fact, we didn't even exchange emails. he did, however, fulfill my daily quota of being asked, "are you on facebook?" nope, i'm not. i think this is our generation's way of saying, "uh... see ya around."

the summer of love is not. but while taking it easy on the internet dating front might do me some good, it felt nice to jeopardize rationality in pursuit of statistically insignificant hope.