what's your love language?

not that anyone wants to be described as a "starfish" in bed, but is this what they mean by an "aggressive bottom"?

while in nyc, my girl ky and i enjoyed a lovely 4-hour brunch at the mesa grill, thanks to a $150 gift certificate from my dad's wife. unencumbered by financial constraints, we indulged in several bottles of sparkling water, copious refills on our espresso and at least three spicy blood mary's... all this accompanied delicious appetizers and brunchy main courses.

ky is an exquisite human being who happens to always be in the midst of a dramatic new self-help strategy. each encounter, via face, phone or email, i expect to hear something along the lines of, "february is 'live my vulnerable passion' month!" or, "lately i've realized that i need to just stop being distracted and capture the infinite gifts of self-intimacy!"

while it's both inspiring and exhausting to be in the company of someone who is always adopting a new self-improvement strategic plan, i know that i'm lucky to have someone with whom i can have authentic, probing conversation. case in point - and for your valentine's day pleasure - over brunch we enjoyed a booze and caffeine-inspired conversation about love. she introduced me to the "five love languages." according to dr. gary chapman, the "leading author in biblical marriage counseling" (yikes), there are 5 ways that humans show each other love.

- words of affirmation
- receiving gifts
- physical touch
- quality time
- acts of service

each of us prioritizes the way(s) we feel most loved, and typically that's also how we show it to others. what's interesting is what happens when you and your lover don't speak the same love language. let's say that you thrive on lots of intimate 1-on-1 time, but i'm mildly hermetic and prefer to show (and receive) luvinz via heartfelt compliments scribbled on cards atop thoughtful gifts surreptitiously set on your doorstep.

sure, presents are nice, but it's hard for you to hide your frustration with our lack of quality time. in fact, you're starting to take my weird solitude personally. meanwhile, i'm resentful that you don't appreciate my thoughtful (and expensive!) gifts. furthermore, i'm wondering why you haven't bought me anything lately, and, to boot, i've been feeling a little turned off by your clinginess.

now, what wouldn't it be easier if we both valued quality time? in lieu of that, the obvious advice is to be aware of how you can make your friends, family members and other lovers feel most loved, even if it ain't your style. for the record, i'm an "acts of service" and "physical touch" kinda guy, so keep the compliments to yourself... and do my laundry... but at your house, since i need my alone time... unless it's some kind of kinky/creative foreplay, which, of course, would be a huge turn-on. happy valentine's day.