25 January 2009

my secret slob friend

a better guest.

since i would be in occidental jesusland for 6 weeks i thought it a nice and mostly harmless gesture to offer my apartment to a fellow homo half-breed ko-am whose lease was expiring a month before his return to the usa. i did the same thing last year and my friend appreciated the respite from his parents' marriage inquiries. sure, he neglected my tree to death, but lots of people kill plants.

but on this go around, something felt amiss when i didn't receive correspondence from my temp-tenant. no "hi, i've arrived!" email, no "kaching! found your japanese porn stash while snooping on your computer, sicko!" memo. more remarkable was seeing the words "back in the usa" next to his name on msn messenger on jan. 2. nope, i never got a "thanks. i left your key (specify location)."

upon my return, what i did receive reminded me of a dirty person's home just prior to a modern pompeii. massive calamity... no time to clean... must escape! or, perhaps i should view what remained as prizes.

a top 10 list of my free goodies:

#10. a dvd player. shockingly useful!
#9. two big dirty blankets i get to dispose of!
#8. wall-to-wall tumble weed-esque dust bunnies!
#7. a box of heating pads for muscle pain!
#6. new grey bathroom tiles and pink grout. oh wait, that's just bacteria in bloom!
#5. butter!
#4. one pair of dirty superman underwear!
#3. a full load of wet laundry left marinating for 2 weeks!
#2. a piece of toilet paper stuck to toilet seat with a little brown sumthin sumthin!
and, my favorite:
#1. a loofa, because i can't wait to combine my dead skin cells with yours!
had i offered my place to a testicled dog, there may have been musty crotch spray marking strategic corners. but at least dogs don't use loofas or washing machines. furthermore, i find it hard to believe that even a golden retriever in mid-molt could have shed more pubic hair on my floor. i guess that's not fair. i don't think dogs have bonafide pubic hair.

in summary, i don't think it's right that people can be secret slobs. filth should not be a secret, cleanliness mustn't be a scam. much like my floor, his skin should be covered in snowfall-like layer of dust and he should smell like rotting laundry. if so, in this righteous world of my fantasies, i'd know better than to lend him my keys. 

mean spirited, you tsk? not so! if society's scorn made him too sad, he could then clean his home (and mine), and his body would cleanse in tandem! everybody wins in my world.

but until then, thanks for the loofa!! henceforth, i'm going to make a habit of leaving a used one every place i spend the night. thanks, kenny!

1 comment:

Jonith said...

see -- this is my worst nightmare realized. and my faith in humanity takes yet another tumble. we're getting near zero here.

temporary remedy: our guillermo weather boy is currently wearing a pink paisley button-down with an elegant plaid cuff lining, and ... unbuttoned three buttons down his chest. tan guillermo peck-cleavage for days. i want to lick him EVERYWHERE.

btw -- I. Love. Becky. Anderson.