what i left

being amidst good friends that go way back is something i miss about living in seoul. so after spending the night with mommy at the peaceable kingston compound, i headed into seattle to stock up on bosom-friend time before i return to korea next week.

my first stop was brunch amidst the bookstore cafe's floor-to-ceiling wooden bookshelves. so perhaps it was fitting that over lox and a spicy margarita, lovely florangela convinced me that i have a book to write. an uncharacteristically vigorous shopping spree followed before dinner with my godsons and drinks with ky, queen marina and lulu. a hazy final few hours at a salsa ballroom and in 2 homo clubs capped my saturday in seattle.

on my way to neighbours, seattle's "seediest" "mainstream" "gay" dance venue, i shared a triple-take with a cute hapa guy on the sidewalk that didn't amount to anything. once inside the club, i alternated between babysitting my tossed dear gay girl (don't never call her lesbian) and dancing amongst a group of gaysians that had gathered in a back corner.

besides being a tiny bit paranoid they'd think my butchy-aryan lady friend was my rice queen, being in their midst reminded me of what i left: a nation whose gay asian population is generally awkward and self-loathing (with the possible exception of HI). contrast this to where i live now: a city whose gay men are handsome, cocky, and the fancy of asia. sure, their almost universally closeted status suggests another kind of self-hate, but at least most aren't desperate for the validation of white gay men. maybe it's a good thing that my childhood was too preoccupied with mixed confusion to internalize much asian american male / gay self-hate. being among these weird boys didn't make me horny as much as it made me want to start an NGO for asian american homo self-love.